I am walking in the desert with dry hands. My mouth is salivating from lack of water, and the skin on the back of my hands are beginning to peel. I don’t know how I got here.
The desert heat is hard and tastes like dirt. I remember a time when I believed I had my life all figured out, and now I know that I don’t. The sun above is making the distance move in waves, and the sweat from my head is dripping down my brows and making my eyes sting. It’s hard to see where I am walking, but I feel the Holy Spirit move me forward. “Hannah, let me lead you through the desert”.
I squint up to see a blue sky stretch from east to west. “How do I let you lead me through the desert Lord?” The sweat is descending from my head to my back now, and my arms are burning red. I feel the heat sizzle on my forearms and it’s getting really uncomfortable. A whisper of wind blows past my ears and I hear my name being called. “Hannah, why do you doubt me? You of little faith.” The wind picks up speed, splashing dirt in my face. My eyes start to water, “Lord you would say that to me… After all you have done I still doubt. Why would you love me?” The wind grew quite. My legs are tired from walking and I can see there are numerous sand hills that wait for me.
“I love you, I have always loved you,” the wind said. Even though I know in my heart that what He said was true, it’s not enough. I stop walking and let my legs rest and watch my feet sink in the sand. “Why isn’t that enough for me Lord? Why do I feel so discontent? Why do I have to walk in this desert? It’s to hard. I can’t do it!” I kick the sand and throw both my fists in the air and scream. “What am I doing wrong?” In that moment, I feel the air cool and I can no longer hear the wind.
I sit in the sand in surrender. It’s not just my body that feels dry, but its my heart. I feel empty and I don’t know what I have to do in order for God to fill me again. Do I have to repent? Will I have to proclaim my undying love for Him in the secret place? My tears start to fall heavy but I tuck them away. I rest my head on my knees which I pull close to my chest. It is so… quiet…
“Jesus, I surrender to your leadership in my life. I surrender to your authority. Please help me receive Your grace and mercy. I want to find Joy in this desert and learn to trust you. I do love you Jesus, and I know that you see my heart. Please forgive me for doubting You and letting my circumstances in this desert influence my ability to trust in Your word. Please take my eyes off myself, in Jesus Name. Amen.”